Did you grow up feeling like you were walking on eggshells around a family member? If it was a parent, you might deeply understand the idea of “eggshell parenting,” a term made popular in a viral TikTok by psychologist Kim Sage. Psy.D. She explains this phenomenon as inconsistent parenting, where a child never knows what response or reaction to expect from a caregiver, causing them stress and feeling like they have to, well, walk on eggshells.
In the comments of her video, parents are looking back on their own childhood, expressing distress after being raised by an “eggshell parent.” Others are having moments of self-reflection, admitting to being this type of parent themselves and asking for help.
Advertisement | page continues below
Eggshell parenting can impact parent-child relationships, explains Dr. Sage in her video. In an effort to learn more, we asked experts to explain this type of parenting behavior and ways we can better engage with our children.
What is an eggshell parent?
Eggshell parenting looks at the concept of a child walking on eggshells around a parent or caregiver to see how they will react next. Some characteristics of an eggshell parent include acting inconsistently with your kids, not validating emotions, isolating them, shaming them, mocking them, and otherwise acting in a way that might make them question how you might react from one moment to the next.
If you're yelling or lashing out, and your own moods are swinging in a way that makes you unpredictable, this can be stressful for kids, Dr. Sage says in her Tik Tok.
Are there risks to eggshell parenting?
Unfortunately, eggshell parenting can lead to both attachment issues and also potential mental health or self-esteem concerns down the road for your child, according to Toya Roberson-Moore, M.D., psychiatrist and associate medical director at Pathlight Mood & Anxiety Center. “Short-term outcomes can include the development of acute stress symptoms in children, including social withdrawal, fearfulness, hyperarousal, sleep disturbances, and difficulty concentrating,” she says.
If children aren’t properly bonding and attaching to their parents, Dr. Roberson-Moore explains that it can lead to attachment issues later in life as well, and even personality disorders. In addition, other risks include:
-
Depression and anxiety
Advertisement | page continues below
-
Oppositional behaviors
-
Irritability
-
Argumentativeness
-
Aggression
-
PTSD
Advertisement | page continues below
The difference between eggshell parenting and typical parenting anger, rage, or frustration
All parents experience moments of serious frustration with kids – after all, it’s one of the hardest jobs in the world. But there’s a distinct difference between eggshell parenting and typical parent rage: co-regulation, Dr. Roberson-Moore explains. This is a process where parents model behavior to help children learn to self-regulate.
Of course parents of toddlers may lose their cool once in a while, but outside of eggshell parenting, the baseline intention is to work through big feelings alongside their child, taking their child’s perspective into account, while being empathic. You can validate and empathize with how your child feels while still holding important limits. Understanding that your child is having a difficult moment can help you stay calmer in the face of challenging behavior. Co-regulation could then look like “I see you're having a really hard time right now. I'm here to help. I'm feeling frustrated too. I am going to take a moment to get a glass of water and think about what to do.” This models healthy emotional regulation for your child and helps you keep calm. Then, for example, with a 3-year-old, we might see a parent counting to five alongside the toddler to help them regulate through a tantrum. In contrast, eggshell parents typically remain dysregulated in their own emotions, and are not able to be a calming, empathic presence.
What to do if you had an eggshell parent yourself
Parenting can stir up all kinds of emotions and even flashbacks to our own childhoods, causing us to potentially have to unlearn some of the not-so-great aspects of our upbringing. If our own parents didn’t help with co-regulation, or teaching you how to adapt in the face of stressors, it’s likely that you might have eggshell parenting behaviors yourself.
Simply watching for these behaviors yourself can help to identify if you need to make an extra effort with your own children to avoid repeating history. Sometimes, you might need additional support from a therapist or parenting coach to overcome your own childhood trauma or difficulties as well.
What to do if you think you might be an eggshell parent
If you’re asking this question, you’re already on the way to improvement. Dr. Roberson-Moore has some concrete steps you can take to help your child feel more secure in your consistent and supportive reactions:
Advertisement | page continues below
-
Step 1: Validate your child’s emotions and experiences while setting boundaries to keep them safe. Ask open-ended questions and resist the urge to judge or label. For example, you can simply say, “I understand you are frustrated. It must have been really hard for you to see your sister getting to go to a friend’s house when you couldn’t. I’d be upset too.”
-
Step 2: Offer practical and emotional support by redirecting, helping to problem solve, and setting limits. In the same scenario above, you could say, “Even though you are frustrated about your sister, you are not allowed to smash your toy onto your brother’s head. Here are some other ways you can show you are frustrated.”
By age 6, children already have a basic core belief about the way they think and see themselves, and the world, adds Dr. Roberson-Moore. You can encourage healthier self-talk from a young age, creating a preventative layer against future mental health challenges.
Try to avoid yelling, which works against that. Instead, try to use calmer tones, and even kneel to their eye level to have private conversations about what you are expecting, including that validation, to help your kids regulate their big feelings.
Advertisement | page continues below
It’s never too late to try a new approach
Just because you think you may be an eggshell parent (or you were parented by an eggshell parent) doesn't mean you have to continue these patterns. We know you want to be the best parent you can be, and you and your child's well-being is the most important. Whether you feel you just need to make a few small tweaks in your parenting game, or whether you need a bit more intervention and potentially some outside help, caring about being the best parent you can be is already half the battle. Change is not always easy, but seeking help and being open to self-reflection can go a long way in improving the way your family functions. Both you and your children will feel the difference and reap the benefits.
