Moms feel like they're "just mom" the longer they've been parents, survey shows

Key findings

• Nearly 1 in 4 moms (22%) say they identify as "just mom" and that they've lost touch with their identity outside of parenting. Moms are more likely to feel this way the longer they've been parents.  

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• Moms struggle to find time for themselves, and a third (34%) say they put caring for themselves at the bottom of their priority list.

• Millennials and women of color are more likely to view themselves as "many things, not just mom," and they practice more self-care techniques. 

When my son was born five years ago, I had an expansive view of who I was. I was a dedicated writer who'd built up my freelance business from scratch, an avid reader, and a fanatic home cook who loved making elaborate meals for my friends and family. My role as mom still felt fragile and new – it took me some time to settle into it. But after a few months, something changed. 

As is the case for so many new moms, my son began to take up almost all of my brain space. As my days became devoted to him, those old identifiers began to melt into the background and my identity as a mother took over. Weekends were spent at the playground or the library instead of cooking up fancy dinners. And while I kept writing for work, it seemed like I was always half thinking about something baby-related.  

I'm not alone. Most moms agree that their identity is significantly defined by motherhood, and for some, the role has diminished other aspects of who they are, according to a recent BabyCenter survey of mothers who are currently pregnant or have at least one child under age 5.

Parenthood is transformative, so it's not completely surprising to see data that indicate women's identities completely shift when they have children. But there are ways to reestablish other parts of yourself, even if you feel like you're deep in the parenting trenches.

Moms feel like they're "just mom" the longer they've been parents

When we asked moms to rate how much their identity is defined by motherhood versus things outside of parenthood, most placed themselves in the middle. Yet the further into motherhood moms got, the more likely they were to feel like their role as a mom defined them.

In fact, first-time moms were more likely to identify as "just mom" than pregnant women, and moms with more children skewed even stronger towards motherhood encompassing their whole identity. 

For 1 in 5 respondents, it's been so long since they've put themselves on their to-do list that they don't even know how to feel like their "old self" again.

"Societal expectations of mothers almost require attaching all energy and identity to being a mother," says Molly Vasa BertolucciOpens a new window, LCSW, a Long Beach, California-based therapist specializing in maternal mental health. "There's a lot of pressure on moms to buy into the cult of 'perfect motherhood' – to be a certain way, to lose yourself in parenthood, to put yourself last."

Moms know they need to take more time for themselves, but have trouble doing so

Nearly 40% of moms surveyed said even though they know self-care is important, they just don't take the time to do it. A third (34%) say they put caring for themselves at the bottom of their to-do list.

Many moms just don't have much time to devote to hobbies or self-care. In heterosexual marriages – even where both partners work and have similar earnings – women still do more caregiving and household work than men, according to the Pew Research CenterOpens a new window. (Men only do more caregiving and housework in marriages where the wife is the primary earner.) 

Same-sex partnerships tend to have a more egalitarian division of labor – but that also shifts once children enter the picture, research has shown. The person who earns less tends to spend more time on household chores and childcare.

But creating space for your own interests matters, regardless of whether you’re the breadwinner in your relationship or not, experts say. "Long-term health and happiness requires moms to connect with themselves and others outside of their role as mothers," Vasa Bertolucci says. Not doing so can contribute to burnout. 

Moms can find themselves in a variety of ways

Not every one of our survey respondents felt entirely wrapped up in their mom identity. A portion (17%) said they identify with "many things, not just mom," with millennials and women of color being more likely to report a balanced identity.

Activities like exercise (36%), shopping (39%), traveling (31%), and spending time with a partner (37%) are some of the top ways survey respondents say they put themselves first. 

Finding time for these things means enlisting the help of your partner and other support people. "Having them on board to free up some of your time creates those vital margins for self-care and connection," says Vasa Bertolucci. 

Even on those days when you're running the show 100% and have zero free minutes or energy, little things can make a difference. "It can be as simple as listening to the music you like in the car, not the Frozen soundtrack," Vasa Bertolucci suggests. Maybe you make a favorite dinner of your own instead of trying to find something that'll please your picky eater. 

And if you can find half an hour of solo time, do something fun for yourself. Put on a favorite show, read in peace, do your nails, whatever!  Finding little pockets where you can put your preference first can really help you snap out of that robot-mom mode.

You're not alone if you feel like "mom" is the only role that registers these days. Still, there are lots of ways that you can reclaim other parts of your identity. And you deserve to take that time and space for yourself.  

Methodology

The Everyday Health Group Pregnancy & Parenting Talk to Moms® Monthly Poll was conducted by Everyday Health Group – Pregnancy and Parenting between June 1 and 3. We surveyed 403 U.S. respondents aged 18–44 who are currently pregnant or have at least one child up to 5 years old. The survey was fielded among the Dynata Research Panel.