Gracelyn Woods was casually dating her partner when she found out that she was pregnant. "Since we hadn't really been dating that long, I wasn't going to just move in," she says. "We decided that co-parenting would be the best way to raise our child together."
Gracelyn and her co-parent moved close to each other and put together a plan for everything, including holidays, parenting styles, school events, vacations, and even taxes. The goal was to anticipate absolutely everything they could think of upfront to avoid the chance of rash decisions getting in the way of their arrangement.
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Once their daughter arrived, their plans were put to the test. "The newborn phase was more lopsided toward my side," Woods, 40, recalls, since the baby required a lot more from mom in the beginning. Her co-parenting partner is also a firefighter with irregular work hours, which made it challenging to keep schedules consistent. But almost four years later, they've stuck to a system that works best for everyone.
Co-parenting isn’t always easy, but with clear communication it’s possible. Here's what experts have to say.
What is co-parenting?
Co-parenting is an arrangement in which two parents participate in the upbringing and care of their child – without being in a romantic partnership. "Co-parenting [is] usually used to describe parenting after divorce or separation," says Anjali Ferguson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and founder of Parenting Culture.
Actual data on how many couples co-parent is scarce. However, around 700,000 divorces and annulments take place in the U.S. each year, so it stands to reason that there are quite a few former couples navigating co-parenting. One 2020 study conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau found that 23 percent of custodial parents report that their child lives with the other parent part of the time – hinting at a co-parenting arrangement.
Co-parenting can also exist outside of breakups and divorce – Woods is an example of this arrangement, deciding to co-parent before a long-term relationship fully developed. It is also becoming more common for platonic friends to raise a child together, since this can increase family resources and support compared to parenting alone.
Pros of co-parenting
A positive co-parenting relationship creates a healthy environment for children. Research shows that kids who split time with both parents after a divorce are less stressed and have fewer mental health issues than children who live with just one parent.
Co-parenting can also offer built-in breaks for parents to recharge. "I really suggest anybody who can co-parent to have a good relationship [with their partner]," Woods says. "You can call and just be like, 'I really need help. I'm burnt out – can you come get her?'"
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Woods adds that she's also learned a lot from her co-parent's parenting style. "I'm more conservative … and he's very relaxed," she says. "It's been really rewarding to see a different side of [our daughter] come out through her dad."
Challenges of co-parenting
Co-parenting may require working with your ex-spouse or partner, which can be incredibly emotional. "You're really going from being romantic partners … to business partners," says Tracy Ross, LCSW, who specializes in adult family therapy and collaborative divorce support. "Except it's not a business. It's your child." She says this can unfortunately bring out the "worst" in people if they're not careful about how they deal with their emotions.
Some parents can also experience grief when embarking on co-parenting, Ross adds. "You don't get to be with your kid all the time, and it's a loss for parents," she says.
In some cases, there are clear red flags to co-parenting. If the relationship is unsafe, emotionally or physically, you're better off cutting ties with that person, Ferguson says. Co-parenting can also become complicated if one parent moves far away.
Navigating different values, whether that's religious or cultural differences or divergent parenting styles, can also complicate co-parenting arrangements, adds Ferguson.
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Tips for co-parenting
1. Set boundaries
Since co-parenting essentially involves dividing care of your child, maintaining "clear and good" boundaries is essential, Ross says.
You'll want to communicate upfront about where your child will spend holidays and birthdays and what a typical week will look like. You may also want to set boundaries around your own relationship with your co-parent if you don’t want to regularly see them and set expectations around who can spend time with your child when they are out of your care. Are you comfortable with a babysitter they select? If your co-parent starts dating a new person, when are you okay with them meeting your child?
Setting these boundaries can be as simple as having a conversation, but you might want to request the support of a mediator. If you're in the throes of a very contentious divorce, for example, you may need support creating formal guidelines.
2. Create a co-parenting schedule
Create a calendar together at the beginning of each month, Ross suggests. Not only is it helpful for the adults, but also it's crucial for the well-being of the child. "Kids don't like uncertainty," she says. "They really like to know, 'This is where I'm going to be on this day,' and 'This is who's picking me up; this is who's giving me dinner.'"
When making this schedule, consider your child’s age and various events going on in their life. Then decide where this calendar will live. Woods recommends a digital shared calendar system like Google Calendar or iCal, or a co-parenting app like WeParent or Our Family Wizard. These include extra features like communication tools and budget trackers. It can also help your child to have a visual, non-electronic calendar to refer to.
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3. Set up weekly check-ins
There should be a concrete time every week when you check in about your child, their needs, and anything non-urgent that's come up, suggests Ferguson. You'll want to use this time to discuss who's bringing in cupcakes to the class party or any adjustments that need to be made to the upcoming week’s schedule.
4. Never bad-mouth your co-parenting partner in front of your kid
This is crucial, both Ferguson and Ross say. Your child might avoid sharing things that they do with the other parent because they're afraid of upsetting you, or don't want to hear you criticizing them – and that can strain your own relationship with your kid. Plus, it might make your child feel like they're caught in the middle between two parents, which is stressful and unfair.
5. Be an active listener
Ross says she often has her divorced clients work on active listening to help better navigate disagreements that arise when co-parenting. "Just because you hear it doesn't mean you have to agree with it," she says. But it can help you better understand where they're coming from and find a solution that works for everyone.
For example, if your partner suddenly makes a huge fuss about wanting to spend the holidays with your child, ask questions to understand what is really going on so you can best compromise on these precious days.
6. Carve out time for self-care
"Taking care of yourself through the process is really, really important," Ferguson says. "When you feel like you're not getting to parent your child 100 percent of the time, that can cause a lot of distress."
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Prioritize the self-care activities that help you recharge, whether that's a daily exercise break, a recurring coffee date with friends, or a hobby that brings you joy.
7. Seek a therapist or other support
Think of mental health support as a resource to help you better navigate the emotions in this situation, Ferguson says. Maybe it's your own feelings about your co-parenting partner or just the hardships of parenting. If unaddressed, those emotions can make it harder to remember your number-one priority: your child.
Co-parenting comes with its unique challenges that can make it difficult to navigate. But at the end of the day, it's all about putting your child first, Ross says. "The victory is raising a good kid who feels connected and close to both parents," she says. That's what it's all about. With some careful planning – and diligent boundary-setting – it's absolutely possible to come out on top.
